What
Am
I
Doing
Here
Anyway?

1 year later
6 months later
3 weeks later
It/all/stays/the/same

Loveless
But won't love less
Even though the love I receive is less
than..

I don't remember what it feels like to
turn the lights off and not just sleep
to have the passion from a kiss
or a touch just wash over me
because
the flame has
burnt out and the efforts to reignite
said flame are in vain

So,
What
Am
I
Doing
Here
Anyway?

I try to find a reason, something that I
can grasp on to but it all escapes me.

I can't think of a single thing that keeps me
here aside from the fear of feeling that hurt again.
It's hard to walk away from someone who has
your heart, even when you benefit none.

I wish I could trade places with this man for one
day just so he could feel the emptiness that I feel
and maybe that is a selfish heart speaking but it is
an honest one.

I don't remember the last time I really kissed this man
I don't remember the last time he touched me and
           was doing it because he wanted me feel his love
I don't remember the last time I spoke to him and felt like
            I was talking to someone who wanted to listen
I don't remember the last time I felt beautiful to him
I don't remember the last time I didn't feel like my whole
            world wasn't caving in
or that I could really be myself, again

I've been trying so hard not to lose him that I lost myself.

You couldn't imagine the torture of my existence if you tried.

Sometimes I second guess how I'm feeling.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling at all.
Sometimes I just want to block out all feeling,
      because most of the time I just hurt.
I'm so far removed from where I thought I would be at this
point in my life, that it's sad.
Except for the fact that it is mostly my own fault.
I've made a habit of putting everyone else's feelings before
my own and have created a huge void for myself.
I'm not always honest about how I feel..
Well, not out loud anyway.
Because, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone else.
But how fair is that to me, really?
I'm a woman who knows exactly what I'm worth and
   what it is that I deserve to get from the person I build with.
However, I've continued to not get those things, and have just
made excuses as to why I'm not receiving the love that I desire.
I'm really not asking for much,
And
I don't know too many women who desire much else.
Every woman would like to feel as though she is wanted.
How sad is it to beg and plead for the simplest of things...
to do all you can for somebody else
Only to watch them, also, just do for themselves.
I almost feel like less of the woman I thought I was because
I have disregarded all of the things that I required...simply
because I love this man.
And although it is hard to swallow my discomfort,
it's almost easier to just do that than to just let him go.
But, its felt like he was gone for a long time now..
because each day that passes,
I make an effort to act on the changes I wanted to set in place.
But it still feels like a lone effort.
I feel no different in regards to his love for me,
I simply feel like I am changing for the better...whether that is
something he benefits from or just something that will make me
a better love for someone who is willing to reciprocate what I have to give.
& maybe the scary part in all of this is that I can feel myself
slowly letting go.
Each day that I continue to feel like this,
I loosen my grip a little bit more.
I could never walk away...
but I probably wouldn't stop him if he decided to.
Maybe I'm just holding him back from the life he actually wants, anyhow..
His spirit is polyamorous...that cannot be denied.
Maybe this is all in vain
All of my effort just to end up in the same boat I've been sinking in.
No consequences for the damage done to me,
so why should I really expect any different?
I am what makes this easy for him, I am what makes us good...
if not for my patience and my honest efforts,
well...who knows.