What
Am
I
Doing
Here
Anyway?

1 year later
6 months later
3 weeks later
It/all/stays/the/same

Loveless
But won't love less
Even though the love I receive is less
than..

I don't remember what it feels like to
turn the lights off and not just sleep
to have the passion from a kiss
or a touch just wash over me
because
the flame has
burnt out and the efforts to reignite
said flame are in vain

So,
What
Am
I
Doing
Here
Anyway?

I try to find a reason, something that I
can grasp on to but it all escapes me.

I can't think of a single thing that keeps me
here aside from the fear of feeling that hurt again.
It's hard to walk away from someone who has
your heart, even when you benefit none.

I wish I could trade places with this man for one
day just so he could feel the emptiness that I feel
and maybe that is a selfish heart speaking but it is
an honest one.

I don't remember the last time I really kissed this man
I don't remember the last time he touched me and
           was doing it because he wanted me feel his love
I don't remember the last time I spoke to him and felt like
            I was talking to someone who wanted to listen
I don't remember the last time I felt beautiful to him
I don't remember the last time I didn't feel like my whole
            world wasn't caving in
or that I could really be myself, again

I've been trying so hard not to lose him that I lost myself.

You couldn't imagine the torture of my existence if you tried.

Sometimes I second guess how I'm feeling.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling at all.
Sometimes I just want to block out all feeling,
      because most of the time I just hurt.
I'm so far removed from where I thought I would be at this
point in my life, that it's sad.
Except for the fact that it is mostly my own fault.
I've made a habit of putting everyone else's feelings before
my own and have created a huge void for myself.
I'm not always honest about how I feel..
Well, not out loud anyway.
Because, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone else.
But how fair is that to me, really?
I'm a woman who knows exactly what I'm worth and
   what it is that I deserve to get from the person I build with.
However, I've continued to not get those things, and have just
made excuses as to why I'm not receiving the love that I desire.
I'm really not asking for much,
And
I don't know too many women who desire much else.
Every woman would like to feel as though she is wanted.
How sad is it to beg and plead for the simplest of things...
to do all you can for somebody else
Only to watch them, also, just do for themselves.
I almost feel like less of the woman I thought I was because
I have disregarded all of the things that I required...simply
because I love this man.
And although it is hard to swallow my discomfort,
it's almost easier to just do that than to just let him go.
But, its felt like he was gone for a long time now..
because each day that passes,
I make an effort to act on the changes I wanted to set in place.
But it still feels like a lone effort.
I feel no different in regards to his love for me,
I simply feel like I am changing for the better...whether that is
something he benefits from or just something that will make me
a better love for someone who is willing to reciprocate what I have to give.
& maybe the scary part in all of this is that I can feel myself
slowly letting go.
Each day that I continue to feel like this,
I loosen my grip a little bit more.
I could never walk away...
but I probably wouldn't stop him if he decided to.
Maybe I'm just holding him back from the life he actually wants, anyhow..
His spirit is polyamorous...that cannot be denied.
Maybe this is all in vain
All of my effort just to end up in the same boat I've been sinking in.
No consequences for the damage done to me,
so why should I really expect any different?
I am what makes this easy for him, I am what makes us good...
if not for my patience and my honest efforts,
well...who knows.

To YOU, beautiful black man.

2011...2011...2011, decades past the Civil Rights era. And although I truly feel that this world has come leaps and bounds from where we were in the 1960's, I can't help but to notice the sheer ignorance that still exists. Many people seem to act oblivious to the fact that RACISM IS ALIVE, today, as it was then. Being a white woman who has surrounded herself with people of all walks of life, all different races, ethnicities...I have witnessed it first hand. I have been around a groups of white people who have no qualms about saying nigga..it jars me, it frustrates me, it annoys me to no end. Or, I remember the first time I ever went to Atlanta with my daughter's father, a beautiful black man. We were driving down the interstate, not once doing anything to cause any concern. However, we get pulled over. The cop tells us that he pulled us over because his view of the county on our license plate was obstructed. I call bullshit. But, I guess that's the best he could come up with. I mean, he couldn't tell us he pulled us over because there was a black man in the car, headed out of state. After we get pulled over, FOR A "LICENSE PLATE" VIOLATION...the results were, our car was thoroughly searched, we were taken to different spots where the cops questioned me about where we were going, why we were going, why we had a large amount of money on us, etc (we were going shopping in ATL). I mean, complete bullshit. They find nothing in the car and guess what, NO TICKET. Blatant racial profiling. I see it all the time, and it is so disturbing. Now, that's not to say that the black race is the only race that is subject to racism...however, the black race does bear the brunt of racism, in my experience, the black man gets it the worst. Always has. The media, society, most everywhere portrays the black man in a poor light. Rarely, do we see black men being held on the pedestals that their white counterparts are. It's sad. So often, I see..."black men ain't shit" or women searching to find a baller instead of a HARD WORKING, GOD FEARING, JOB HAVING (so he might not be a Laker, might not work for a fortune 500 company, BUT HE HAS A DAMN JOB...he ain't out here sittin on his ass) man. And, maybe unbeknownst to them, they set the standards so high, dog black men so much...that these men are made to feel inferior, or like their efforts are in vein. It's frustrating. It's frustrating. It's frustrating. I am a little white woman, but, I promise you, I am wise beyond my years. And I just watch...I just watch people. For as long as I can remember, I have always just watched people, and listened. I have had the pleasure of working beside, building relationships with, building friendships with BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN and not just men, but beautiful black women, as well. Some of the most amazing people I have ever met, give you the shirt off of their back, are beautiful black men. Talented, trusting, loving, old souls...and maybe my frustration comes from the fact that everyone does not see these beautiful people the way that I do...whatever the case may be, it is frustrating. AHHHHHH!! (imagine me letting out a loud scream, that's what I'd like to do).

I know that this post may be all over the place, but I received a poem in my inbox, today...and it really had me thinking. And what you have read above, would be my way of trying to get my thoughts out...rarely, does this happen. So, I'd like to share with you all what was sent to me today. Hopefully, it will offer some encouragement...to any of you beautiful black men, who have ever encountered this foolishness that we call racism. Please know, that there are SO MANY of US, that see your struggles, then see your perseverance, then see you reach successes that so many people said you couldn't...and we smile. Because we knew you could do it, we have always loved you, we know that you are no different than anybody else...and we love you. We love you.

I am not sure who the author is, it was not given.


Ode to My Kings

Black man, where is your confidence? Where is your pride?
Why does your head hang low, like the Poplar trees at night?
Do you know who you are? Do you know where you've been?
You will rise above the hand they dealt you, from the ashes you will transcend
I love you Black man
Inflicted with many injustices, you will still rise
On your broad, powerful shoulders, you will carry your pride
Society has tried to strip you of your manhood, dignity, and position
They offered you inaccurate history, images and convictions
I love you Black man
You are the hunter, yet at the same time the hunted
They oppress you, degrade you, try to keep your growth stunted
Just remember who you are and more importantly.. who you are not
Remember where you are going and from where you were brought
I love you Black man
You are a centrifugal and driving force that draws me deeply into you
You are a part of me, my family, you I could never refuse.
Even in those times when it seems, that the world knows not your name
I will always be there to remind you of your strength, your pride and your fame
I love you Black man
Don’t you give in to anger, please don’t hold your head down
Exhibit your strength and your pride, remember, you wear a crown
Because You are a King amongst Kings, in my world, you are high in demand
Remember, I do love you no matter what
Strong beautiful Black man

Picture This

Picture this..just picture it.
Finding out you are dying at the tender age of 15. The doctor's say you don't have long to live; but you've made it to 27.


Being deceivingly healthy one day, holding the weight well. When all the sudden, your insides are failing..you drop to a mere 98 pounds and you've got to spend 3 months of your life confined to a hospital room. Your skin is drying out, you can't hold anything down, you can't pickup weight for anything.


Living your life to the fullest each and every day, and going to bed knowing that your last could be any day now.

Picture this:
Thinking the world of someone who has been nothing but a blessing to your life. Someone who adores you and your daughter; and would give you both anything in the world. Someone who cried just as much as you did when your child was born.

Going out to clubs together, drinking, staying up playing cards...music blaring and your parents want to strangle you.

Admiring him..because he never meets a stranger and noone that has ever met him, can not like him. Watching him laugh and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Watching him keep a strong exterior, knowing that if you were in that position...you would not hold it together near as well.

Having no idea of their internal struggle, their constant battle with the uncurable;
and then having someone drop a bomb on you, when you least expect it..

I don't know how I will handle it when your life is through. But I love you more than words could ever describe. You have done more for Alexis and I than you have ever had to, and it is a scary thing to think that Alexis may not get to know you as well as I have. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever known, and your strength and will to live is so admirable. This is just one more bump in the road for you, I know that you can fight through it this time, as well. Your family needs you..and we all love you.

I will visit ALL of these places in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I wish I was priveleged enough to be able to get up and go WHEREVER I wanted. I want to see so much of the world, visit places that have history rooted deeply in them, visit places that are spiritually uplifting and pleasing to the eye. I just want to travel..I want to see what other parts of the world have to offer. I want to do more than just read about all of these places. So, I have compiled a list of the most desirable places for me, in no partiular order..and I plan to make it to each and every one of them:

1. The Grand Canyon-Arizona



2. Salar de Ayuni- Bolivia
This is a MASSIVE salt desert in the middle of the Altiplano.



3. Tropical Rainforests in Costa Rica
The locals provide Rainforest creek tours, Ecolodges that are absolutely gorgeous and a wonderful Rainforest experience. This will hopefully be my first stop!







4. A volcano, preferrably dormant.
Cerro Chato is a dormant volcano in Costa Rica, and Arenal volcano's neighbor. From what I read, getting to the volcano's cone is quite a hike.



5. Rio Celeste, Costa Rica
Rio Celeste is a river in the canton of Guatuso that is dyed light blue by a chemical reaction of minerals from the Tenorio Volcano. It is surrounded by a lush forest, and you are able to hike along in through the Tenorio Volcano National Park.





6. Mt. St. Helens- Washington State
I would love to climb Mt. St. Helens.. My father and I have talked about it for years. But we have never been motivated enough to train for the climb. I could kill two birds with one stone on this one..it is also a dormant volcano. It has not erupted since March 27, 1980.





7. Paris, France
Do I really need to explain this one? lol



8. The Seven Wonders of the World. There are several of these lists, but the ones that I would like to visit are listed under the Seven Wonders of the Medieval World.

1. Stonehenge

2. Colosseum

3. Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa

4. Great Wall of China

5. Porcelain Tower of Nanjing

6. Hagia Sophia

7. Leaning Tower of Pisa (been here)


8. The Great Barrier Reef



9. Machu Picchu



10. New York City, with the LOVES of my life.
11. The Golden Gate Bridge
12. The Lorraine Motel
13. I would love to go back to Washington, D.C. and visit the Smithsonian and all other historic sites.

I'm sure that this is not where my list ends, but right now, I will stop here.

The Truth About Me

The Truth about me

I hate this place that I'm at in my life but I don't quite hate my life.

I'm twenty two and it feels like I've reverted back to thirteen

My jeans are still a size three every now and again I find my self enthralled in a cartoon movie I laugh way to easily and some times I'm afraid to be the real me

I hate place I'm at in my life but I don't quite hate my life

I'm twenty two and it feels like I've reverted back to thirteen

I trust like no ones ever told a lie I still cry when people say good bye if I don't get what I want sometimes I feel like I might die and when bad things happen I don't accept instead continuously ask why

I hate this place I'm at in my life but I don't quite hate my life

I'm twenty two and it feels like I've reverted back to thirteen

My temper is explosive my personality implusive If you contradict me prepare to fight I haven't learned to think but I am always right and as always if I watch a scary movie I can't sleep at night I still think my brother is out of sight and I always wake up with the day light

I hate this place I'm at in my life but I don't quite hate my life

I'm twenty two and it feels like I've reverted back to thirteen

I try to pretend that I'm cynical or jaded when a relationships fails
But apart of me still believes in fairy tales these are the reasons I don't quite hate my life now lets examine the other side of the knife

I cry more than I like to admit because I am an extremely easy target

What ever I do I give it my all which is why it hurts that much more when I fall

I trust like people have never told a lie but so many have been told looking straight in my eye

I still believe in fairy tales which means I'm a walking advertisment that reads take advantage of me I'm extremely naive

I've been hurt more times than I can count I've been let down more times than I care to mention I've been disillusioned and dismissed I've been hit I've been walked over I've been rejected and negelected and yet like a child I sill believe in the goodness of people

I hate the place I'm at in my life but I don't quite hate my life

I'm twenty two and feel like I've reverted back to thirteen

I share the dream..

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall"
- Nelson Mandela

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity" -Martin Luther King Jr.

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired." -Mother Theresa

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world- that is the myth of the atomic age- as in being able to remake ourselves." -Mohandas Gandhi

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least don't harm them." -Dalai Lama